out of the desert, onto the mission

8/18/ 2021 | happy 28th birthday to me.

this birthday represents my second during the covid era. like many of you, it has been a tumultuous year. this period of life, with its constant psychological and physical toll, has brought a true diagnostic check of where we all were at to light.

for those with physical lapses, it has been a time of fear as their immune systems were presented with a potentially deadly virus; it has also been a time when physical routines were laid bare: when shit goes down, are we able to keep up consistent activity + conscientious eating? for me, it seemed that i was mostly able to stay constant and even increase the trajectory of my physical health. before my last birthday i was able to pr my bench at 245#, squat at 265#, and deadlift at 355#. it wasn't that deep though: it was focused on getting as big and strong as possible without consideration for overarching physical health.

this 27th year saw me take a more nuanced effort. i've had face accountability for not just lifting heavy things off of the ground, recognizing the physical effects of my brain's chemical makeup and the potential for dependence/addiction: i've gone the last 6.5 months without being buzzed - sometimes i imbibe in a sip, but never to the point of it affecting my decision making; permanently deleted the instagram + twitter accounts of my past and spent 6 months cleaning my mind from their negative effects; added in ashwaganda and alpha brain to balance out some of my irregularities. i have also been marathon training while keeping my strength up to par. if the beginning of 2020 taught us anything, it's that the worst can happen and being ready for anything - especially protecting my family - must be a top priority.

through the beginning of the covid era, i maintained the self-ruse that my psychological game was in check. it very much wasn't. in my 27th year it came to light the parts that i had kept in the dark: business failings, violent communication habits, a loss of faith + relationship with the creator of the universe, taking my wonderful and amazing wife for granted, childhood traumas. the list could probably extend. these things can only be kept under the surface for so long. i fucked up and spiraled. i entered a depressive episode as never experienced before, paired with an unchecked ego problem. darkness/evil spoke, and i listened. i almost lost my marriage. i almost lost my life. the devil told me to jump and i did; it was the beginning of my time in the desert.

in the desert

for all of us, at least once, we will have a time in the desert. this is when everything is laid bare and our faith, drive, and core are tested. for me, the first time around, at the beginning of this 27th year, was an abject failure. it was placing my head in the sand and inhaling as deep as possible. but i was given a second chance. a chance to look at the shortcomings of my internal life and come to terms with them, so that they could in turn be overcome. none of this would be possible without the most loving + strong wife that any man has ever been lucky enough to call his. this time in the desert, we called upon God for help. we began going to therapy. we read 'nonviolent communication' and transformed the way that i spoke, listened, and thought. i accepted that there was trauma in my past, which influenced the lens through which i saw the world, and i was able to adjust. humility was given the chance to enter.

i introduced morning meditation, journaling, prayer, and boundaries. the business had been grinding us into the ground for years. it needed to be a healthy part of our life, not an engulfing furnace in constant need of all fuel available. we were able to move into a new apartment, our own home, to work through this desert period. then we moved again because why the hell not - back to thousand oaks!

it was then time to start writing down some of the philosophies and thoughts that had been ruminating. much like i couldn't hold thoughts, feelings, and fears inside, it was also unhealthy to hold the good in. a thousand words a day added up quickly to start 2021.

the more that came out, the more that needed to be worked on. as february rolled around, i realized it was time to delete twitter and instagram: the corporate-fueled addiction was paired with a need to let go of the mental crutch social media provided as an escape from working through the issues on a given day. i also decided that there was no need to drink to the point of even the slightest buzz for the time being. that has been maintained to this day and one of the best decisions i have made. this was juxtaposed with 8 years of vegetarian eating ceding for an omnivore's diet that welcomes (as sustainable as possible) meat consumption 2-3 times a week. life is about balance and this is where it needs to balance out for me right now.

each day sees amber and i working on our communication and understanding how traumas influence the way we show and receive love. i could not love this woman more (though that's what i said yesterday and here we are with me loving her even more!) and my appreciation for her grace will never do it justice.

this time in the desert has been horrendous, but also necessary and beautiful. without it i would be without wife + life. and so here i am. still learning. never perfect. but setting myself on the correct path to not allow a spiral to occur again. consider this birthday and this essay the emergence. from desert to pulpit, i speak to you a man changed and a man on fire. our best days are surely ahead of us, but we are going to have to put in the work. i promise to forever put in the work in marriage, business leadership, writing, athletic growth, learning, and loving.

28... to be continued